Sex is Holy – Part 1: Marriage and the Family

Why did God create man as male and female?

Perhaps when you read these words in the first chapter of the book of Genesis, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (verse 27), you asked yourself: why did God create man in this way, male and female? You must continue reading on to the second chapter in order to find the answer. Adam was alone in the Garden. He was not helped by the beasts, the animals, nor all the other created materials and beings that God created for him. The Bible says, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18); “But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:20-24).

It is clear that the divine intention is for the female to create fellowship and unity with the male. Through this completing one another, life is joyful since the man sees in his wife what he does not find in himself. Humanity is not a single repeated copy of Adam, but there are men and there are women.

Adam felt the benefit of Eve being created for him. She is perfectly compatible with him and he is perfectly compatible with her. Note that what he lacked was in his companion, Eve, and what she lacked, he possessed himself. For God divided His gifts between them. In this way, they complete one another. In their unity,  there is a complete and harmonious human wealth.

The dividing of the divine gifts and talents between them is one of the miracles of the creation of man for a man’s body is different than a woman’s body in the build of some of its members.  For this reason, a man generally does more of the laborious tasks that require more physical strength such as construction, carpentry, blacksmithing, and other tiring work outside the home. The woman, on the other hand, what generally is compatible with the makeup of her body, are household tasks, caring for children, and taking care of personal and individual matters. Our present age has changed much of these natural laws.

In this way, if tenderness is combined with firmness, and toughness with gentleness, there will be a wondrous harmony  in human life. Life will become beautiful when the man meets the woman on the plane of love and marital life, encouraging one another, sacrificing themselves for each other, coming together and uniting in the holy sacrament of matrimony that their life may be a holy kingdom on earth for the Lord.

The Kingdom of God in the Holy Family

You may have attended a wedding and seen the Crowning Ceremony in the church. All the prayers that you hear point to God intending the family to be a small church and a path to the Kingdom. This is why the priests places crowns on the heads of the bride and groom, because the crown signifies ruling. The crowns of marriage signify the beginning of the foundation of a small kingdom that is a branch of the eternal and heavenly Kingdom.  Some Christians these days have removed this promise from the family and their lives are completely worldly, being completely stripped of the divine presence and no longer journeying towards the Kingdom. This sin is equivalent to adultery.

+ How rich the view of our Church is on the Sacrament of Matrimony: She considers it a holy life. Its prayers are extremely spiritual prayers during which the Lord Jesus descends with His Holy Spirit, His angels, and saints at the head of which is the Virgin Mary who all participated in the wedding at Cana of Galilee. They take pleasure in participating with the members of the Church in their joy and happy sentiments. The Lord Himself with His Spirit grants to the couple the blessing of the Wedding at Cana of Galilee.

+ How great and holy this is! How far it is from the worldly understanding that is so widespread in this world regarding this mystery. How wonderful are the rites of the church in regards to the liturgical rites of matrimony which concludes the prayers by sanctifying this love that brought the couple together. The Church reads the words of Saint Paul who likens the relationship between the couple to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Then, she [the Church] emphasizes that the One Who brought their hearts together is the Holy Spirit Who is likened to a musician who moves the strings of an instrument, playing various angelic notes and heavenly melodies in a divine symphony. This is what the hymn that the deacon chants after the Gospel is referring to. “Those whom the Holy Spirit has attuned together as a spiritual stringed instrument always blessing God. By Psalms and hymns, and spiritual songs, by day and by night, with an incessant heart.” Then, it is also prayed for the Lord to bless their home. “Confirm their union, guard their bed in purity. Cover them and their home with Your unconquerable right hand. Preserve them in oneness, harmony, and peace. Grant them joy and happiness to reveal unto You, O Living God, the fruit of life from the womb.”

Marital Love

You may have seen a scene that was imprinted in your memory when you saw a newlywed couple. They were sitting alone together calmly or just in a nice way. Or others who have been married for many years, one of them is  keep the other company and keeping them in the distress that they are going through. Sometimes, they sit silently, but the mystery of love exudes from their hearts because the time of speaking has passed, but the divine flame of marital love has remained kindled and burning. Life and the burdens of the world were not able to extinguish or weaken it.

The pure love between a man and a woman is a most wondrous mystery created by God in the life of man.  It is happiness and warmth for man in the midst of the frost piled up by life. It is his pleasure in the midst of the toil and burdens of the world.

How can a man leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, and both of them be one flesh?! It is a deep meaning for choosing, meeting, and sharing together. He has chosen her, loved her, and committed to her, becoming united to her in a marital bond that pours forth love and joy. This is why the Bible says that God created man in His image. Even though God is not three separate persons, He is three Persons in one hypostasis. In this unity, the Father lives with the Word, the Son, and the Holy Spirit in the fellowship of divine love that is incomprehensible and immeasurable. In like manner, man who is created in this same image – with a big difference – his joy is not full unless he shares in fellowship with another.

When a child grows and finds that his father and his mother are one in spirit, mind, heart, and care, he understands something about the love of God. He realizes something about the God’s intention in terms of the formation of the family. The child does not grow with just milk of nursing only, but with the milk of tenderness and love. He is not satiated only by what enters inside of him through his mouth, but is more nourished by his parents’ kisses, their smiles, and their bosoms that are full of tenderness, compassion, love, and joy in his presence.

Yes, the child acquires his first life experiences in the family. It is an experience of great love and complete devotion. This is the great gift that God grants children. The children themselves are a gift from God because in them the hearts meet, the souls and spirits unite, their fellowship and unity is supported, and love is kindled with the fire that the Lord placed on earth and willed to burn. Let us feel the effects of this marital love which God has planted in the heart of man within ourselves.

+ Perhaps, at your age, you do not feel any special feelings towards someone of the opposite sex. You are pure in the way you view and interact with all of them. It may be that you are disciplined about not trying to charm anyone or that you do not have much of a chance to interact with them. Do not worry about this. It is a good thing.

+ But, I would like to say to those of you who have begun to feel an emotional attachment that this which has begun to grow within you is not a developed fruit that is ready to be eaten. This is for several reasons that we need to explore and discuss clearly.

• We ask this young man or woman: on what standards is your liking of this other person founded?! They are most likely superficial things and not the proper things upon which a mature person chooses his or her life partner. What do you know about the character of that young woman who has a beautiful appearance?! What do you know about the character of that young man who has a muscular body and a handsome face?!
  
• Even more than that, I would like to say that even if your attraction to the person’s personality is more than the their physical or emotional traits, and it is a deep attraction, you do not know if this attraction will continue to be strong and consistent as time goes on and inner and outer circumstances change. You reach the age of marriage which is often delayed by complications in life, financial situation, social situation, and education.
  
• Then, you inwardly change as is attested to by psychologists. Every phase is characterized by certain psychological traits and growth. What you choose to wear in high school, you may refuse to wear at the end of college. What is appealing to you today will change, develop, and be revised, especially if you are spiritually and psychologically developing in a typical manner. It is a phase in which you will undoubtedly grow in terms of your understanding and bases on which you are attracted to something. Is it then wise to commit to someone now for several years when you do not know what will happen to you in terms of different experiences and obstacles?!
  
• Even if we suppose you that you maintain the same opinion for all of those years, the situation will be worse. What do you expect the condition of your emotions will be throughout this period?! They are bewildered emotions. If we suppose that they do grow and develop, this growth will be a type of inner burning and self-torture at best. It can possibly lead to fornication and unhealthy sexual practices and habits.

+ Even if your feelings toward the other person seem pure, it is better for both of you to control yourselves. Do not tell anyone other than your father of confession so that he prays for you that the Lord may lift this warfare away from you or that He grant you the will to be patient until you mature and the right time from God come for you to fulfill them in a relationship of marital love. Beware of meeting with the other person alone or playing with their feelings and leading them on lest you cause them and yourself to stumble. Give this holy energy to the Lord. Place it into the hands of the Chief Shepherd Who manages your life and knows what is good and grants it at the right time. He opens and no one closes, and closes and no one opens. Blessed is he who believes and submits his life to the One Who holds in His hands the keys of Life.

+ The fathers teach us that marital love is not a kind of romance. It is a genuine, spiritual, and devoted love. It is a pure love that does not fixate on the body and its pleasures. But rather, it interacts with the person in a holistic manner in terms of their spiritual, emotional, psychological, mental, and physical aspects. It is a growing love that is fervent during the engagement period and is not extinguished by the difficulties of life, obstacles, or differences in personality and opinions. It is a love that overcomes all of these difficulties because it is a divine, sacrificial love like the love of Christ for the Church. It is a love that suffers long, is gentle, is patient, and endures. It is a love that never fails because it is capable of ending what was once deemed love. It is a deep love that is found in the uniting of two bodies, expressing what is within. It is a language and means of communication. If physical interaction is stopped due to unforeseen life circumstances in married life such as traveling for business or sickness for a time, it does not threaten the unity because love is not sex, but sex is an expression of love. It does not threaten true unity because “what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).

Trust and Reverence in the Family

Christian family life is characterized by complete trust. The man consecrates his entire life for his wife and the woman sanctifies herself for her husband. There is no betrayal through evil looks, saying impure things inside or outside the house, bad relationships, attraction, other beginnings of betrayal, wounding, or breaking this most holy union which the Holy Spirit completed in the mystery of matrimony.

Just as Christ, to Whom is the glory, sanctified Himself for the sake of the Church, so also does the man for the sake of his family. Just as the Church is a Bride consecrated to Her Groom Who bought her with His precious blood on the Cross, so also the woman looks at her family life in the same manner.

The Christian home is characterized by respect and modesty. It rejects bad songs and shows and inappropriate jokes and expressions. For this reason, you find:

+ There are prayers continually offered at the family altar.

+ Fasting periods are observed, there are metanias done, and a love for the psalms

+ Reading of the lives of the saints and the experiences of the first fathers

+ Veneration of the martyrs and ascetics and the family members ask for their intercessions and prayers before God that He may send His angel to preserve the home from all evil, distress, and sorrow.

These all add a spiritual quality to the family and a reverent character to the family. It causes the home to be a luminous citadel in the midst of the darkness of life, its turbulent waves, and its contrary, destructive, and decadent values. You may also notice the quality of modesty in the couple, even in terms of the house itself. Voices are not raised in it, arguments do not get heated, but holy calmness overtakes the scene of it, encouraging a depth of worship, clarity of thought, discussion, and action. When you cross the threshold of a Christian home that is filled with love, holiness, and reverence, you feel that you are certainly in a holy sanctuary, a kingdom of God on earth, in this fallen world.

Celibacy is a Holy Extension

+ If marital love is blessed to this extent!

+ If a pure married life is likened to the Holy Church!

+ If marital relations are sanctified by the work of grace in the holy sacrament and the work of the Holy Spirit!

Why are there monks and nuns? Why are there those who are celibate and do not marry? Those who are worldly believe that these people are homosexual or abnormal. Others view them as being outside of normal life or that they are emotionally, mentally, or socially disturbed. They are all wrong!

Look at what Isaiah the prophet says: “Do not let the eunuch say, ‘Here I am, a dry tree.’ For thus says the Lord: ‘To the eunuchs who keep My Sabbaths, and choose what pleases Me, and hold fast My covenant, even to them I will give in My house and within My walls a place and a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off” (Isaiah 56:3-5).

We should not be surprised that we find people whose hearts were filled with the love of Christ and thus refused to to be distracted by someone other than Him. He has become their only Bridegroom and entered into a holy and eternal engagement with Him. They lived in this most ardent divine love, preferring it over marital love, family love, and human love in all its forms. They consecrated their lives to keep His commandments and intimately conversing with Him day and night. Saint Antony says about the life of celibacy, “It is the spiritual and holy sacrifice, preach, and the life which reveals the hidden mysteries of all the generations and ages.” Saint Paul emphasizes how celibacy is a better extension when he says, “He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband…So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better” (1 Cor. 7:32-34, 38). We must know that celibacy is a special grace given to those who are chosen and who ardently desire and strive towards it. It is a free gift and special talent given by God.

The Lord alluded to celibacy when He said, “There are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake” (Matthew 19:12). There is no celibacy without love — the love of God, love for all people. The celibate person is like a bee that is inwardly and outwardly energetic. It carries nectar and serves all. He does not cease praying, does not stop serving or offering love to all.

We live in a worldly, materialistic age that does not honor celibacy or total devotion and consecration to worship and service. It is appalled when it sees monks, nuns, or consecrated servants because they represent an opposition that rebukes it and guilt trips it for a life that is sucked into the sewer of a materialistic life. These individuals usually ask: If everyone becomes celibate, would not humanity become extinct?! This not something even remotely possible or practical in real life. In spite of that, Blessed Augustine responded to this question. “If we suppose that all people walked the holy path of celibacy, it would not be a bad thing because if humanity went extinct, this would be better for it than for it to be corrupt.” Saint Clement of Alexandria says, “It this happens, then the Lord will end time and the elect will enter into the Church of the Firstborn because history will have achieved the desired outcome. May many hear the Gospel which says, ‘And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or ands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life’ (Matthew 19:29).”

My child, if you hear this call in your heart, do not extinguish it, but pray about it and leave the Spirit to reveal to you the extent of its genuineness, depth, and veracity so that not wind up being a fleeting desire or a desire influenced by a relationship with a monastic. When you are sure of the growth of this desire and its positive drive, then you must develop it through by increasing your relationship with God and His love. Place these desires of yours before God and tell Him, “If you will, take me to be Yours and for You alone to be mine.” Do not persistently ask for this consecration because at the proper time, the Lord will grant you the desire of your heart in the way He chooses. Even if the Lord wills for you to get married, you will not feel that you lost your old desires, but you will feel that the hand of God, your true Bridegroom and the Source of your joy, is the One who brings to you your life partner. In this way, even if you enjoy human company, you will feel in the depths of your heart that God is the One Who overshadows your marriage and fills your inner being. This will not negatively influence your view of marriage, but will anoint it with a spiritual unction, purity and clarity of heart. In this way, you will be able to receive your share of the virtue of celibacy to the extent that suits your stature until you cross over from the estrangement of this world without impurity or blemish.

A prayer:

My Lord, God, and Savior Jesus Christ, Who was incarnate and became like us in everything except for sin, grant unto me to emulate you in my way of life.

Pour out in me Your love and the love of Your good Father and fill me with Your Holy Spirit that I may be a growing member of Your holy church and a witness to You in my family, work, and community.

+ Cause me to enjoy Your love that I may love all.

+ Give me Your joy that I may make everyone happy.

+ Reveal Yourself to me that I may not go astray in all the distractions of the world.

+ Teach me Your commandments and train me to be obedient to my parents and my father of confession, love the truth, and be a faithful witness to it. If you have called me to married life, let my partner be chosen by You. If You have chosen me for celibacy and service, holy priesthood, or monasticism and contemplative worship, may Your call be powerful as a blazing fire that I may bow my head and bend my knees before You saying, “Your will be done. I belong to You.”